So many thoughts….

As we near the end of Summer, I have so many thoughts, so many reflections, and so many questions. This next year is going to bring so many changes in my life and in my daughters life. She graduates high school…..the end of her childhood is right around the corner and I cannot be more thrilled or more proud of her. I know, without a single doubt, she will make smart decisions for her future, she will glide through this next phase of her life as if she were on roller skates doin’ her jive thing……okay, okay, I’m showing my age. Seriously, though, I am going to cherish every second of this coming year….even more than I already cherish every moment with her. Where will she go? What will she do? Who will she become? Short answer….whatever she wants 🙂

As I enter this next phase, I am asking these same questions of myself. My mother often tells me of the loneliness that comes along when your children grow up and move away. I’m sure that I will have moments, hell, I have them now on occasion!! But what soothes me (besides the ugly dog and the asshole cat) is the knowing that my daughter is spreading her wings. She is becoming this strong, wild, free woman who isn’t afraid of voicing her opinion, isn’t afraid to stand up for her rights, and she speaks out for those who can’t! She gives of herself to her friends, to her family, even to strangers….she enjoys being a teenager and doesn’t feel pressure to grow up too quickly…..she is uniquely her own person and I am in awe of her every day. She is love, she is light, she is Cecilia Gavann.

Last time I wrote in the blog, I wrote about reinventing yourself. I recently took a vacation by myself. Something I have never done and something I never imagined doing…..but I did it. It was 97% wonderful, magical, self-awakening, and freeing. The 3% of it was a bit sad because I realized I had no one to share my joy with, share my happiness of discovering new foods, of seeing a beautiful country I had never been to before. There was a little sadness when I got stung by a jellyfish and no one was with me to soothe my stinging arm or put aloe on my sunburned back. But what I did find was I could soothe myself when I was sad. I found an inner strength and peace that allowed me to walk the foreign, cobblestone streets with a self-assurance and confidence I didn’t realize I had! I am proud of myself for finding my strength….for embracing who I am at this age, and excited for who I will become as we enter this phase together, my child and I.

I wandered into an old church to have a tour while I was on my trip. As I wandered through the cool cement and stone building, I came to a sanctuary and sat down in an old, weathered, wooden pew. All of a sudden a feeling to cry washed over me from my head to my toes. These were no ordinary tears that I shed as I sat there alone, we are talking about heart-wrenching sobs, crocodile tears, a flood from my eyes!! I was crying for that child inside of me that experienced things no child should ever go through, the teenager who experienced rejection and self-doubt, and the young woman who always felt lost and misguided and made bad choices in an effort to, well, who the hell knows! As quickly as the feeling washed over me, it was over and I got up with a renewed sense of self-discovery and, believe it or not, confidence and excitement! I am excited for the first time in a long time for whatever is coming with this next phase of my life and I’m ready!!

So, the moral of this post is don’t be afraid to fall down. In fact, go for it…fall down and learn from your pain, learn from your past, embrace the pain, and allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to heal for YOU….look in the mirror and cry those tears for the human you were before and the human you want to become. It’s okay to fail because it means you TRIED….to fail in life is to NOT try….to fail in life is to NOT live. Embrace the pain and then you will heal….and then you will live.

Happy Sunday, friends.