What is it to be ME? To be YOU? To be HUMAN?

What is it? Or maybe the question should be what is YOUR power. I’ve been watching an HBO documentary called “The Vow” that has my brain reeling at the audacity, arrogance, and stupidity of the human race. Okay, let me take a step back – people are not stupid, we DO stupid things. This documentary follows the rise and fall of a self-help scheme that included a master/slave sex trafficking conglomerate.

I’m watching this and scratching my head wondering how can anyone fall for this rhetoric that (for most people) should really just be common sense? And then I started thinking…did these people have power? I’m sure at some point in their lives they had their power and then somewhere along the way they lost it. Enter the charismatic (albeit weird AF) Keith Raniere and his kumbaya, ra-ra, sisboombah rhetoric. I have asked myself multiple times while watching this documentary if I could ever succumb to the spellbinding machinations of such a thing. The answer, I fear, is yes – we all can.

I think the single most important aspect of the human psyche is our individual POWER. Our power is as delicate and fragile as the most intricate of spider webs and can be stolen or brushed away before we know what’s happening! That’s what happened with these seemingly intelligent, powerful, people – their power was swiped away by the giant broomstick that was Keith Raniere. The funny thing about him is he was a little man! I’m not saying little men aren’t attractive – he wasn’t! There is nothing redeemable or remotely attractive about the little dude with the high IQ, long scraggly hair, or scruffy beard! Oh, wait a sec, perhaps it was the high IQ that made him seemed so attractive. I just don’t know and I am scratching my head.

Our power is what gives us the will and the strength to continue in this world of ugliness and despair! Our power allows us to overlook all that is dark and gives us hope for a world that is better, brighter, a happier existence. Giving your power away is much like giving your appendage away to someone who may as well use it in some sort of macabre baseball game (think The Walking Dead). Hold onto your power and don’t fall for that garbage of “I can make you a better person in 30-days for the low, low price of $19.99”! Only YOU can cultivate, nourish, and maintain your sense of self and guard your power!

A funny kinda spin on a popular 80’s song, right?!?! Can you name the song? Seriously, friends, let’s talk about this thing that has all of humanity going crazy in one form or another. There is no middle ground with the level of crazy that is permeating humanity these days. We have the ultra conservative who wears the mask, disinfects themselves in a perfume of hand sanitizer AND wears gloves. Then the middle conservative who wears a mask and disinfects. And then there’s the others – you know who you are! Those who think it is all a hoax and they have come up with all these conspiracy theories. Yes, The Man is watching and regulating, you know it’s true – in your version of the world 🙂

I am sitting here at home, in quarantine and realizing just how strong of an impact COVID has on the world. Myself and a few others were exposed to someone who has tested positive for COVID, unfortunately. I can’t do anything but stay home, away from the world, for the next two weeks. I can’t hug my daughter, I can’t go have a drink with my friends – can you imagine?! But I am doing my part because that’s what the science says. I am thinking of my friend who had no idea until she got tested and I just want to hug her and hope that she feels better soon. She didn’t know, she just knew she didn’t feel well.

Here is my humble take on COVID. It is real, it is dangerous, it is scary. It is a debilitating disease to some and to others it is merely a cold or flu. The varying symptoms from person to person are unlike anything scientists have ever seen and I am afraid it is here to stay. I can remember when the flu first began sucking the life out of humanity – that was scary, too. Eventually a vaccine was developed and eventually one will be developed for COVID.

Until then, as the world rides the second wave of COVID, do YOUR part for humanity – keep your distance, wear your mask, and do what scientists tell you to do. It’s their JOBS – it’s their collective scientific brains! Here is what I have figured out – I have an obligation to humanity by keeping my distance. I have an obligation to my child. Just in case – I feel fine and have to get tested – all as a precaution. I’m doing my part – won’t you do yours? So, remember the part where I said “she didn’t know” – we don’t know anything about COVID. Scientists are trying to figure it out and all we know is what we CAN do to manage the spread. I’m not saying go get tested if you have a runny nose – I’m saying wear your mask, keep your distance, and do as the scientists say. I have always said if you’re sick, stay home. Work is always going to be there – you will not.

Be patient with one another, be patient with science, and love each other because we are all human beings and in this new “normal” together and only together can we overcome the challenges that we are faced with.

There’s an old song that I can remember listening to when I was a kid, the radio played it over and over! It was by Tammy Wynette about divorce. It has been playing in my head all day, I figured it was a sign that we need to talk about it. So, let’s talk DIVORCE, people….a tough subject. One thing I want those of you to get out of your vocabulary right this instant is the phrase “I HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE!” – this is one of THE most self-deprecating phrases when it comes to understanding that your life canvas is changing. We do NOT do self-deprecation anymore! Find another phrase, people….how about “shit happens” and let’s move on.

My story is a typical one about two people who grew apart. There was love, there was friendship, all that rosy blah, blah stuff. But there was also resentment, anger, disregard for one another (yeah, even me!) and before things got even worse, I decided to make a change. Before “shit happened” we tried marriage counseling – it didn’t work and that’s okay – we tried. There comes a point in a relationship when someone has to ask if the pain is worth all of the work that is producing no results – time to admit, the two of you just don’t work any longer. You tried! You gave it your best shot! It’s also OKAY to stand up and say “I’m done. I’m not happy anymore” and move on with your life. Sure, it is scary as hell and you might make mistakes but that IS life – making mistakes but living life!! So, go ahead make mistakes! Reality check – no one and I mean NO ONE is perfect!

So, back to me – yes, I know that’s kind of selfish to go back to me but that’s okay, you’ll be just fine. I took a big leap and one day I packed my car, took the kid, the dog, the cat, and moved. Granted, it was only a few blocks away but I did it. I did it for myself, my ex-husband, and most importantly, I did it for our kid! She knew that her parents were unhappy. How do I know? She told me! Oh yeah, remember a few blogs back when I said “LISTEN” to your kid…I listened to my kid and what I heard was sadness, fear, confusion, and a sense of not feeling “safe”. Is that any way to raise a child? Maybe yours but not mine. There were many of our friends who felt what I did was wrong – but, hey, guess what?!? IT WAS NO ONE’S BUSINESS! Now, if Nosey Nancy or Noogie Ned wants to come and live in your house and be a third-party in the marriage they can have a say so! Last I checked, though, that’s kind of against the law – in most states. Sure you’re going to lose some friends through the process – but, are they REALLY your friends if they feel the need to choose? Oh, and be prepared to be judged – but, again, IT IS NO ONE’S BUSINESS!

It’s not okay to stay in a marriage for the kids as so many couples do! It’s NOT OKAY! Guess what you’re doing, folks – you are putting the worse kind of guilt trip on your kids by giving them the impression they are responsible for you not being happy. You may THINK they don’t suspect anything – you would be WRONG! They are insanely smart, intuitive, little creatures you have created! You’re also teaching them that it’s acceptable, even expected, that you stay in a relationship that no longer works or is toxic. “I’m not doing that to my kid!” is what you might be saying at the moment, isn’t it? That is exactly what you’re doing – so, wake up! You’re worth every effort it might take to make you happy – ultimately, however, happiness depends on YOU and YOU ALONE! Do NOT depend or expect someone else to give you happiness. KNOW your emotional worth and fight for it – and accept when someone else is unwilling to allow you this acknowledgement!

So, you’ve reached the point you never thought you would – you have left your spouse. Expect tears, expect anger, expect regret, expect everything negative or sad that comes with the break-up. But then get the hell over it! Let go of your anger, don’t try to hurt one another (you did that while you were married!), and for effs sake, don’t use the children to hurt one another! The problems you had with each other had nothing to do with the kids – they were not knocking on the testicals or the ovaries begging to be born! YOU BOTH made the conscious decision to bring the little mutants into the world as your children – not your marriage counselor!

Ladies – don’t rake the man through the coals because you’re angry and hurt that the dream of marriage didn’t work! Make sure that things are shared, split EQUAL, and that the kids are taken care of. Stuff is replaceable – the well-being of your children is not. YOU have no excuse not to go out and try to support yourself! If he cheated on you and that’s why you’re getting a divorce, well, no need to hurt him further through his wallet! Being successful WITHOUT him and moving on, stronger than before he married you is punishment enough! Find and Own your strength!

Men – shut up and pay up!! You helped make those kids, pay your child support! Don’t be angry if at first you have to pay a little more because she doesn’t have a job yet! Just do what you need to do to keep things civil! Let me repeat myself – stuff is replaceable, the well-being of your children is not. The two of you have to find a way to grow up and behave like adults because you are bonded to each other for the rest of your lives through those little creatures YOU brought into this world!

Here’s my take on angry divorces – why? If you’re going to waste your emotional investment on a ponzy scam like anger, maybe you should stay married (hmmm, insert thinking emoji). Anger is our way of masking hurt feelings about something we have no control over. Anger allows us to focus on something that we deem is tangible – anger is the color red. Not having control of something is a myriad of colors – kinda like skittles – and we can’t control the skittles so we get angry. Being angry at one another about the divorce solves nothing, except gives you frown lines, stomach aches – is it really worth it? Let it go! Find your inner strength and paint your canvas anew!

Oh, and guess what!?! Today, my ex-husband is still a very big part of my life and we get along incredibly well as the BEST FRIENDS we were meant to be! Don’t get me wrong, he still annoys the shit out of me and I annoy the shit out of him – but that’s OKAY. The very best part of US is a well-adjusted, vibrant, intelligent, and loving 15-year old!

Goodnight 🙂

So, as I was walking to the market yesterday and oogling the people in their cars as they drove by, I saw a man yawn. I know you’re reading this and thinking she’s lost it now. But, hear me out…this man must’ve been really, really tired because he yawned with such gusto!

Well, his yawn got me to thinking about what it is to be human. Regardless of your race, sexual orientation, social status or anything else that can be held against a person – we ALL yawn! We all cry (some more than others…just sayin’!), we all have bowel movements! The similarities we all share are what makes us HUMAN! My skin is no better than yours and yours is no better than mine.

So, go ahead and yawn big and wide just like that guy driving down the road in Mohringen! And next time you think you’re above another human being, remember they yawn just like you!

Yes, I stole that line from a movie….for whatever reason, I just love it! Today is Monday and, fortunately, it is an American holiday – Columbus Day. Yes, some people get this day off – even here in Germany. I’m writing in this little blog, while drinking a cup of coffee, and listening to the rain. It rains a lot in Germany and that’s okay. It’s cold here during the Winter and that’s okay, too. In fact, LIFE IS OKAY.

We all have shit in our lives in one form or another. We have highs, we have lows, even some in betweens (I think those are called “mehs”). As humans, a good majority of us naturally gravitate toward all that is negative in our lives and we take for granted the positive. Why is that? Do we paint our canvas a color that is more tangible (shit brown for negative) because we are afraid of all that is bright? WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES, PEOPLE!! YES, shit happens…that IS life. Embrace the ooey, gooey, mess and rise above it! Find your tools of survival buried deep within that nether region of your soul (we all possess them!!) and realize that YOUR life is NOT shit…it is a masterpiece in progress.

One of the reasons I started this blog is because I went on a date with a nice man who was in the same place I am – dating at 50-something (feel free to read the dating blog…insert dramatic dunh, dunh, dunh music). I thought it went well, apparently he did not. Guess what happened?!?! Immediately I went into self-doubt, thinking something is wrong with me. I went into shit brown mode. The truth of my life canvas is that yes, there are plenty of things wrong with me – but plenty of things right with me, too. It very well could be that I may never get married again, or I might, but what is more important is to realize that my canvas is perfectly complicated with bright colors and the shit brown shades, too. I am beginning to embrace ME and my canvas and realize that THIS IS MY CANVAS. Paint away!

That old saying that “life is complicated” can be such a cliché, I think. But then you look at life happening around you and it doesn’t seem so much anymore. Life really isn’t complicated – it’s a series of twists and turns, events with a beginning and an end. We, as the intricately twisted human beings that we are, make life complicated.

We go through our individual existence thinking we have to believe a certain way, have certain things, conduct ourselves a certain way, maintain an existence that we think is how things are supposed to be. We each have our own idea of what life should be all about; the reality, however, is that life is what we make of it as individuals. Sure, you can follow in your parental footsteps and do what your father or your mother did….or better yet, let them choose your path! But why? Are YOU living YOUR life or allowing them to reinvent themselves through YOU?

This is a blog about life. Life as a woman, life as the mother of a teenager, life as a divorcee in her 50’s, discovering the dating world again, learning how to get to know yourself all over again – really, it’s a blog about life as the blank canvas that we all are.

So, you had a baby!! Guess what – eventually they grow into these weird aliens full of hormones!

Remember that alien growing in your belly that kicked the shit out of you for a few months, woke you up every couple of hours, oh and let’s not forget vomited this curdly, white, smell substance all over your new shirt? Well, I’m here to tell you – that alien grows into an even bigger mutant alien – commonly referred to as a TEENAGER!!

They are so weird! We were never like that – or were we? I suppose every teenager is weird in their own right. Today’s teens have it easier than we did (those of us in our 50’s) – or do they? Being the parent of a teenager, there is a unity among we keepers of the mutants! What’s your secret(s) in dealing with the hormones? What are your biggest fears for them? Not every parental tactic is going to be the same with every kid – who wants to be the same parent, anyway? BUT – here are three of my most important tricks to use with the mutants:

• LISTEN to them – stop what you’re doing, look at them, and listen to what they have to say.
• ACCEPT them – your kid wants purple hair, your kid likes boys or likes girls, your kid wants to be a grocery store clerk when they grow up (yeah, that was me)….ACCEPT them just the way they are. “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” – no you can’t – that’s called murder, you go to jail for stuff like that. You made the conscious decision to give birth to the mutant, let them be themselves.
• LOVE them – “Nuff said about that…..just love them the way YOU wanted to be loved when you were a mutant.

WARNING!! This next post is not for the faint of heart!

No one gets married with the thought they will eventually get a divorce….unless, of course, you’re a habitual bridezilla or groomzilla. You fall in love, get married, and suddenly you become that heart-eyeball emoji that everyone likes to use to mark something they like. Maybe if we all go into marriage saying “I don’t like you” the marriage might last….who knows. So, when the Big D happens, no matter what age, your love life becomes a blank canvas, again – and that’s okay. That’s life…an ever-changing canvas that is painted with every color in the rainbow and beyond. Grab it!

Be you man or woman – dating after a long (or short) marriage is an experience! Do you do the internet dating or not? Do you hang out in bars and give the Cleopatra-eyes or the Rico-Suave flex to that person at the end of the bar? Or better yet – do you smile at some deliciousness in the produce aisle?

However or wherever you decide to dive back into dating – DO IT!! Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there! Sure, you may have to kiss a number of toads (toadesses?) but that’s okay! It’s the canvas that is YOUR life. If you fill your existence with fear, you stand the chance of staying a blank canvas! Fight the emptiness! Embrace the bold colors of your soul and LIVE your life.

With that being said – you can also make up your mind to NOT date. But, come on people, we aren’t built to be alone! We are made for companionship….we are made to be coupled…with whomever you find to your pleasing!

Whether we realize it or not, love is something we have boundless amounts of and we should limit ourselves just because we’ve gotten hurt a time or two. Look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you ARE a human being who is entitled to love. Unless, of course, you prefer to look in the mirror and say “yeah, I’m an asshole” – admitting is always the first and hardest step – you are still a human being who deserves to be loved – even if it’s YOU loving yourself.

Monday, October 12, 2020

Okay, so, let’s talk dating. If you find yourself thrust (isn’t that a nice word?) back into the dating life in your 40’s and 50’s – be prepared, it’s a crazy world! Disclaimer here – I can ONLY speak from a woman’s point of view because, well, duh, I am a woman! Ladies, you will find younger men are attracted to you because you (or so they think) have your shit together and know what you want. Go with it! Don’t get hung up on the age difference in the beginning (trust me it might come along later in the game) allow yourself to be worshipped as the Goddess that you are! Dating a younger man does a world of good for your ego – trust me!

Now, to be fair, let’s talk about men dating younger women. Typically, women my age are appalled at men who date younger women – probably because we feel threatened and cast aside for a newer, shinier, version of ourselves. But guess what, fellas, the younger ones grow older, too. For me, personally (key word ‘personally’), I say go ahead! Feed your ego if that’s what makes you feel good! Just remember, there are consequences in everything we do and this goes for men and women.

Dating at 50-something is an experience, to say the very least. You don’t want to do what you did in your 20’s and hang out in a bar (or maybe you do), don’t really want to go to church (or temple) – so, what do you do? I did the dating app scene for a bit – people tell me it works. It worked for my ex-husband and they are going strong!! Woohooo – he found his person – and I like her, too. So, let’s talk dating apps – oy vey! There are all sorts of apps with a claim of finding your person for the low, low, price of $9.99 (or in my case euro) – but, seriously? Do you really think you can find it for $9.99? Maybe. You, certainly, get a thrill when you get that little ping that says “you’ve got a match” – only to open the app and find that it is someone named “Harold” who wants to profess his undying love to you from just one picture on your profile!

Dating apps are a breeding ground for anonymity and a way to mask all those things about ourselves that we don’t show until we’ve been with someone for longer than a year! With a dating app you pick your best pics, write about yourself in a way that makes you seem like you are the best thing since Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream! Dating apps allow you to be a voyeur of sorts because you can look through all sorts of pics and swipe left of right – but you don’t have to engage in conversation if you don’t want to. To be a voyeur, or not to be! Go ahead – BUT do not allow a swipe right to boost your self-esteem or a swipe left to chisel away at your self-esteem. Be true to YOU and know that your self-worth will be appreciated someday. Until then, have fun! Go on that date with that 20-something (most likely won’t have a whole lot in common and that’s okay)!

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention one thing that dating apps are filled with – married people looking for an affair!! Or a couple looking to bring some extra “fun” into their marriage – you guys go ahead and keep looking because too each his own. You people looking for an affair – go have an affair with your spouse! If you’re bored and need some excitement – chances are THEY DO, TOO!! Listen to the words of “Escape” by Rupert Holmes and write that ad – TO YOUR SPOUSE! For the men looking for an affair – remember what IS good for the gander IS also good for the goose! You’re ego is not more important than having a look at your wife and realizing that she has needs, too! For the women looking for an affair – same goes for you.

If you are desperately unhappy to the point of using a dating app and you’re married – stop! Look at your spouse and realize that you married that person for a reason – find your reason again. Relationships take work from both parties and trying to find what you’re missing through a $9.99 special is not working very hard. Paint the canvas that is your relationship with all the colors you two have created together – but don’t forget that you both must have your own canvas, complete with your own color palette before you can call it a masterpiece. Until next time, keep swiping right.

I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, an ex-wife. I am a perfectly complicated human being. Who are YOU?

Hello and welcome to my page. I’ve never done anything like this but I have always thought about it. Thinking has become action and here we are. Thank you for joining me as I am once again filling up my blank canvas with the beautiful colors that are LIFE!

I have just turned 52 (next year I will change this to say I have just turned 53) and am an American, a single mother to a 15-year old daughter, a 14-year old little dog who looks more like a rat, and a big fat cat – we all live in Stuttgart, Germany. I am a big sister to a younger brother and a sister. I am a daughter to a mother and father who love me fiercely and can be annoying as shit – but, hey they are MINE and I love them just as fierce. I am blessed to have best friends who are my “family” in every sense of the word, except blood. We are bonded by love, respect, admiration, and unwavering devotion.

I am a woman.

I have created this blog in the hopes that there are people (men and women) who find themselves at a stage of life where they wonder what is their life all about. I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I do know that it’s sometimes a good thing to know you’re not alone.

We all have questions and we all want answers – but those answers are different for everyone. I’m going to share my thoughts, my views, my dreams, my wins, my losses, even a recipe or two and I hope you do, too.

I am a human being.